In all my years of travel, being single, reading the old Craigslist personals, partying and dating I've come across a number of people with various habits, requests and lifestyles. Here is my hyperbolic tribute to those experiences and my love of all things Personal.
Some of the available singles that I would like to spotlight are:
Scooter Boot: He's from Tennessee and has a bone fracture in his right leg from trying to drive a forklift while drinking a 30 pack of Keystone Light. His friends gave him the name Scooter boot because he bought a Rascal Scooter even though he only needed a boot and the name stuck. He's been divorced a number of times, but has a good relationship with his attorney.
Shane: Shane has experimented with a wide variety of sex related solid exchange. He went from poo-curious to poo-experienced, but when something went terribly wrong on one of the dates (as explained in the ad) he switched to pee.
Krystal the cat lady: She has 489 cats, some are on the roof, a few are on the fence, a group of them has formed a cult in the backyard. Unfortunately, she doesn't get a lot of sleep and due to the infestation of cats on the bed, couch and bean bag she is forced to sleep on the kitchen table. She is looking for a man that will help her with the cats, but also to get her stealthily out of the house without the cats noticing.
Dan: Dan was in an accident and something has happened to his lower half. Unfortunately, he makes it sound like life's biggest riddle: It resembles the anatomy of squid, it winds around and wraps to the back, has an outlet, an inlet, points down, makes sounds like a koala bear making love and there's some kind of bag attached.
Grandma Donna: Is used to dating in the sixties when things were a lot simpler. Now she doesn't know the dating lingo and often blatant propositions people for tag teams because that's how girls used to meet boys on the playground. She's always patting down her rug for guests to come over and as a retired beautician sometimes offers a free blow job or two.
Johnny Silverballs: For purely cosmetic reasons he's had his balls coated in semi-conducive silver alloy. So far it's been working for him, its gained him some notoriety and he gets into all the hottest clubs. For anyone wondering about the side effects he has no qualms in showing them off.
Boah: Everybody knows that guy who has a reptile, smokes too much weed and often goes MIA. His favorite thing to talk about is how he needs to make a big life change cause he "wrecked himself" again. He listens to loads of Steely Dan and is always on a strange new cleanse.
Malia Gillette has contributed to Pointsincase.com, Slackjaw and https://medium.com/pickle-fork