Aw, one of my wittle kittles is snuggling up to my leg right now, I think it's a sign! My name is Krystal and I collect salt shakers, I love JC Penney, my favorite fast food is Jack n the Box and I have 483 cats (Lost a few in the last month to a sweeping case of feline AIDS. I stopped the orgy in the back yard by quarantining the known carriers into a storage POD. Then the POD accidentally got picked up so I'm in the middle of sorting out the mix up right now. So I guess, as of now, I have 412 cats!) If you were here in this moment, I guess I'd like to say to you, "Hurry, let's hang out quick before the cats get back!" Not because less cats makes it more pleasant, but because I know after being couped up without air, my cat "Charles Meownson" is out for blood. There's a reason he got that name!
Oh gosh, I'm laughing so hard as I'm typing this. Sometimes all you can do is laugh through the ups and downs of life. Oh well! I'd love to clear a spot off my kitchen counter and make you a delicious meal and clear off a spot on the couch so we can eat and chat. I'm thinking like tuna casserole. Casserole I'm pretty sure is French. Just so you know I never lick my cats on the face before I eat and I always wash my hands after I cook. Please like cats, it's not a deal breaker for me, but when you drive up to the house and cats are coming out of the woodwork like a big city in the Walking Dead you might be a little uncomfortable.
Hope to hear from you soon xoxoxox Krystal
Hello dears, grandma Donna here. Or you know just Donna to you, I'm not your grandma, hopefully. Been on a couple dates and I find it hard to know what to say. Back in the day we didn't have to have a personality we were on the grab system. If you wanted someone you had to grab em first and whoever did that got to keep em. Dibs weren't worth a horse nickel, you had to grab em and throw em into a moving truck and then hop on the back and latch on good. My first husband I latched so hard they had to pry him out of my hands to put him in the ground. That's how it was.
Nowadays, people can't just grab'em with all the hashtag me too stuff. I make hash browns, so I don't know about all that hashtag stuff. Anyhoo, I would like to meet up with a cunning linguist to teach me the tongue of modern man. I don't give a lick if you're not an expert, just be willing! I don't want to be going on dates, stiff as a board like I'm not enjoing myself. Maybe we could do a little practice. If you are easy on the eyes and consider yourself a cunning linguist, teach me the trade, I will return the favor with some hot muffins right out of the oven!
Are you looking for your counterpart? Do you believe there is a girl out there that just revels in her feet being slathered and rubbed against your face, chest and balls? Do you think there is even one woman that fantasizes, in general, about her appendages being gazed upon as some sort of bonus set of sex organs? A girl who would love nothing more than her worst body part being featured in photographs that you just collect and keep in a drawer with porceline china masks and used underwear you bought online? You've come to the right place....
I just love the feeling that my feet are more important than my face, my values or my successes. I love feeling like no matter what I do, nothing is a deal breaker short of me going barefoot in the backyard. I love the feeling of weird lotions, chiffon and pageant sashes being draped dantily and caressed on my lower digits. Nothing beats knowing that there is a person out there silently undressing my feet every five minutes in their innermost fantasies.
If that person is you, please email me. Write "I'm biologically out of wack and my DNA has made me a sexual mutant" in the subject line.
Hey buddy. How you doin? Oh, you're here cause you had a split from your girl and you think your tactics are gonna work with the next one? Oh, okay. Rookie move yo. Let me let you in on a little secret...you suck. Your dream is that there's a girl out there that is gonna be as low maintenance as your Xbox? You can turn it on and off as you please. You can leave for awhile, come right back and pick up where you left off. It doesn't shout when you neglect it. It doesn't ask you for anything, but gives you exactly what you want when you want it. I'm a girl, not an Xbox, just like your a guy and not a pocketbook....right? Wrong!
Just like you want that low maintenance girl...I want that provider guy. Don't ask if I need help...shell it over! Obvs I'm in need of new clothes, like all of the time! See the lack of tea cup chihuahua's I have? Pay for my meals, all of them. I don't mean just pay for every meal, I mean take me out for. every. meal. What is so hard to understand about my expectation that you are going to pay my bills: My car. My phone. My house. Don't you know if you did that I'd give you the world?
You want that low maintenance girl...she doesn't exist.
I want that provider guy...neither does he.
So what you say we just both pretend this personal ad never happened and we both keep walking.
I'm just like every other girl out there. I keep getting seduced by guitar players and baristas! Why can't I escape the snake charm, snake oil tactics of these men? Is it the way guitar players use their fingers? Is it the unabashed confidence they posess to stand in front of a large audience? Is it the smell of the coffee and an association of arousal? WTF is it?!
This is how it usually happens. I get asked out by a really nice guy, a normal guy. Things are going well albeit a little BORING as in he's not a seriously seasoned snake and then whoooop in walks sultry guitar player charismatic barista guy and I'm done. Sweeps me off my feet with the hypnotic bean brewing tunes a la charisma du jour and nice guy splits. Months later (if that) I get abandonment issues galore cause snake guy has his fan base to attend to and can't give me his full undivided attention. We have a messy break up. He stage dives into a literal pool of pussy and I'm left a slobbery mess of runny self-esteem watching seasons 1-7 of the Office. Cause 8 and 9 just suck!
I'm really telling it how it is. Snake guy is like seasons of the Office 8-9. You'll wish you never went there. They will leave you feeling like you made a huge mistake. I'm sure you'll make the same mistake like I did...you know why? The NUMBER ONE reason these guys are so attractive...every girl wants them. They have access to us and we give them the attention and they EXCUDE it. Boycott coffee boy fiddle guy girls! Let's take our power back.
Guitar Guy and Barista Boy