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REAL FAKE PERSONALS
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Name's Billy Bob "Scooter Boot" Bilson and I gotta hankering for a lady friend in my life. I'm gettin' old and the old hip flexer's ain't working like the old ones. Not sure if that even made any sense there, but 'nways point is havin' a partner to share this cut a wheat I been chewin' on for a few decades would be sweet as jelly. Gettin' soggy. Not my parts, the straw stick I mean. I'm a fit old ranch hand and hung like a Stetson with an adrenaline shot to the junk. Standin' in front of the mirror this mornin' naked with my legs spread apart, I'll be damned if I didn't look like a "M" with my hang down staring back at me. Whoooweee! May be gettin' old, but I still got my golden lasso ready to steer jerk at any moment. In case you're not catchin' the drift, I got a big weiner. Now that's a personal ad if there ever was one! Lookin' forward to gettin' to know yer and please include a picture of yerself (I really like a purdy face) and a few things to let me get to know ya. Be awaitin' yer reply, sincerely Scooter Boot.
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I've been cat fishing for years and the dating pool has never been more difficult. Ever since MTV started doing that show and other daytime television programs started to "out" my lifestyle, meeting someone has been hard. I miss getting to know the intricate details of my potential partners life like what do they like to do for fun, how long was their last relationship, what were their last three addresses and what is their current bank account number. I miss coming up with heroic details of my life in the military; the wars, the woman who left me while I was overseas for my best friend and why I now need her to cash a check for ten thousand dollars because of the laws put in place by the African Embassy where I am now serving. Age and weight are not important, ideals and morals are inconsequential, what I am looking for is a woman, a man is okay too, that has ten thousand dollars and valid U.S. Bank account. Everything else will fall into place after. I promise to promise to take good care of them and make them feel loved and desired for as long as they send me ten thousands dollars on a regular basis. Yours Truly, Prince Anorak Butunde
I know there are lot of guys out there into big girls, but somehow when the ones I meet present themselves to me they always have to have a rhyming euphemism (i.e. muffin for the toughin' and cushion for the pushin') cause they can't just act like a normal guy that wants to go out with a normal girl. I had a guy tell me he needed some dough to make it grow. That's not even a good analogy because dough needs yeast to grow and once it is dough, it's done and nothing is growing anymore. Then there's this guy I met online who told me he needed some fat to go to bat and so now we're talkin' toddler level rhyming scheme, unrealistic baseball scenario and he somehow managed to make the word "fat" carry ten times it's own weight by his seemingly aggressive reliance on it as if he were going on a cross country road trip and it's his mandatory auxiliary tank. Can I just have a guy ask me out that doesn't make a sing-song alliteration as to why he would go out with a girl like me? For lack of a better rhyming scheme I need a guy to help me overcome the rest of you pricks.
Just a tip...If a girl is not into you no amount of creeping up from behind is going to change that. For example, I'm not physically attracted to you cause I think you look like Arnold Swartznegger and Frankenstein had a baby so you try asking me out normal and we go on a date. During that date I decide I can't get past the fact that you look like Stonehenge with a face. Instead of taking my "I think it's best if we just be friends" as some kind of Tide challenge you need to just retreat back to Grayskull for a mini cause any idea that you might have of creeping up from behind or the side or the other side is not going to work. You can file an appeal, but I will prosecute you for being creepy. Don't turn my "no" into a sales objection and our non-relationship into a business transaction cause now any sex appeal you might have had from imagined confidence is stripped and we both know the only way you're going to get a girl is by force. AND you are willing to take the chance.
So I have enough stalkers at this point that I'm just not taking any more applications. At last I can look for my elusive hunk that plays the guitar and generally wants nothing to do with me. Hopefully, you are impressed that all these guys want me. I have like a million stalkers cause I'm that special. I need you to help me feel safe. And if I ever don't get what I want I can throw in your face that all these guys are just waiting to sleep with me. That's not a threat, I'm sorry if it sounded that way, it's just the reality. If you ever leave me I'll fuck ten guys in an hour, just sayin'. So just a recap. Not accepting any more stalker apps. If you play the guitar and are ready to treat me like dog dirt, I'm open to taking your call. |
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