It's that time of year again, Scoot's round up, where I hurd all the women in like fish in a barrel and pick the best of em to boot. Speaking of boot, don't know if I've been doin' mine proud. Got involved with a charity circus in the neigborhood and they enrolled me for the dunk tank. Didn't actually think I was gunna get pegged so I wore my wife beater, some cut offs and, of course, my trusty boot. Welp, first one to throw hits it fair n square. Kind of insulation mine's got, it expanded to double the size and got real heavy. They had to have three big guys hoist me out of there and I tore an ACL so it looks like I'll be on these pills yet another dos weeks.
Now I get requests all the time, mainly from my ex-wife's lawyer, but sometimes a random chicky will post somethin up askin me about myself and wanting to delve deeper into what makes Scoot tick. The answer to Jojo Melons question last week is a solid 7 or a 5 and a half if I just met the in-laws. Somehow they always find out. Anyway, just got a knock at my door....I always open the door to knockers. Don't be a stranger, give me a kick under the table or a summons on my door. Hope to see you soon, dear lady.
No, it's not what you're thinking. So my name is Shane and I was on here not that long ago. Kind of embarassed to be back so soon, but I learned that there's some real unfathomables floating around in the dating pool. So I got dumped. On. I was thinking my date and I were going to take a walk around pebble beach, but instead we went to a f*cking rock quarry if you catch my drift. A guy in my office just told me he got dumped and I was like "Dude, you have no idea." Is it that hard, literally, to find a girl that doesn't have some weird glutten sensitivity, lactose intolerance or IBS? And I got to draw the line somewhere...no more Applebee's.
Some people will say "Shane, you asked for it." And I did. I put an ad up specifying that I was the captain of this ship and I was looking for my number two in charge. We'd be exploring new galaxies and new civilizations, we'd boldly be going where n0 person had gone before. And then the freaks just started to roll in. Can't a guy just find a normal girl to take a shit on him? There I said it. It feels really great to let that out, just like it might feel really great for you to let some things out...on my face or back. If you have some funky dietary restrictions, then boldly stay away from me. Let's meet and see if we have a compactible situation. Compatible situation, sorry. Looking forward to meeting you...Shane.
Srsly, I keep it a hunnah puhcent. What's that? Did I stutter? I SAID ONE WITH A ZERO AND ANOTHER ZERO. So mark that in your ledger, get out a pen, and add it up...ain't that hard. Know what should be hard? Your member. My ass is tight like a pair of tights. Not the kind you get at the 99 cent store because we don't shop at the 99 cent store. We shop at the dollar store. The 99 cent store is 99 puh cent of a dollar, that ain't gonna work for me. The dollar store keep it real...now you follow? Little bit about me...let's see...well, I keep it real, but you got that, oh yeah I'm a drag queen.
Now I know what you thinkin' like okay my nails is fake and my hair is fake and I'm fakin this, you know, all this sleek down here, but srsly this attitude is ALL one hunnah USDA approved (United States Drag Approved) spit-fire roasted lookin good on my grill beef ifyouknowhati'msayin and I think ya do real REAL. So, basically, if you lookin for a girl, who kinda a dude to teach you how to be like super for real, I'm that. HMU, srsly no fake ass b*tches
I been lookin for my king for too long. I ain't into swipin lefffff and swipin' riiiiight, I ain't a fly and you can't swipe me like a fly on the wall like a swipin fool, m'kay? I see these guys all swipin' like they're doin a damn drive by! Oh hell no! Then I got my girlfriends tellin me they lookin for a snack, well mama here ain't lookin for no snack. No Chex mix, no gold fish crackers, if youknowhati'msayin'...who the hell wants a snack when they can have a whole meal? That's straight up blacksphemy if you ask me. You know what I be swipin'? A tiny plate...right off the table. My sister told me about these things they called topahs, little plate meals. I see one of those, I be swipin lef, I be swipin right, get those things outta heah. Nobody wants to look down and see the plate is just a small, tiny little plate. That's a joke plate. I ain't no clown goin to clown college and eat in the clown cafeteria. Put those plates away! You a king and you a meal then I got a meal fit for a king for you. Reach out, I'm an arms length, I give you a hug honey.
Wheeee ladies and gentleman, Trish here, just outta a divorce and feeling Uh-maze-balls. Started my own Youtube channel called momdotcom (check it out, subscribe!) where you can see me twist my hair up all crazy. I'm tying knots, but sorry guys not getting married any time soon lolololol. Didn't mean to laugh that hard, doc has me on anti-depressants and that turned my lengthy emotional breakdowns into laughing attacks (much better!!!) LOLOL Okay, I need to stop...my stomach is hurting and I'm getting cramps from the overabundance of joy. On the bright side laughing this hard has given my abs a twelve pack :) So I literally have this twelve pack (didn't even know that was a thing) and I've been walking around as tan as an octogenarian with a year round Carnival Cruise pass thanks to this great product "Tan Gurrl" that you can buy at any major outlet store that I have been promoting on my channel. I am 5'6" and 125 pounds, lost a lot of weight from the runs (NO, not the Boston marathan kind! Another side effect of the drugs) but all around I'm feeling like a hole new person. Can't wait to get some dates (gonna steer clear of the dried fruit kind lolololololololol!!!! OUCH) So boys are you hungry for some dinner? Yes, dinner! Let's forget about the social rules and actually sit together like a couple of normies. Put "Hello Trish" in the subject line so I know you're mine.
Shane here and I must say straight out that I have a little beef to let out (not like the HUGE beef my date let out during our exploratory poop session after eating liver for dinner)!!!. Now dates, if you know that you are going to be doing some inner space exploration there are three appropriate things to eat and a WHOLE list of things to avoid. No eggs! Eatings eggs before doing solid shooters is like bringing a set of Spyderco knives to the pool, you're asking for trub. One girl I took on a date ate medium rare panko encrusted Octopus and miso soup with a side of and flan for dessert...my head was spinning. I could go and on about the dietary restrictions and I'd like to say just use your best fudgement, but that never worked in the past so I've come up with three safe foods to stick to so we can safely buy two tickets to brown town in style. Popcorn. Movies are a great choice for a date, cause we can pop in and pop out without popping your hole inside out. They provide entertainment and fiber. Soda and spinach combo. Soda settles the stomach while spinach gives you the right amount of energy to stay strong to go all night long. Roughage too. Oh, know what else is rough age....over 50...lol! The last one is just a straight up baked potato with maybe some sour cream and bacon. You can go with the works, I like the way that looks coming out. Anyway, don't over think it. I'm always here to help, got a little experience under my belt now, literally. Just bought a bag of potatoes with your name on it...so tell me your name in the subject line so I can go write your name on the bag.
Hello special lady I like my name is Bojin and I am womanizer in my country. My families say that I am not paying money this and not working all of job and they bitch all of the time. I get tired of the always bitching so I find sexy woman to bury my soul. My wife Astar...I don't mean wife...that is a term we use where I come from, not like US wife with fitness clothes and credit card...more like stay-at-home not understanding how to go outside relative, she call me and say "Don't come home Bojin, I see your texts and many strange womans text you about I want to touch your balls." This is a lie. So now I am at Motel 8 and have a pool and a six night all inclusive stay all the cable networks including HBO. Special lady I like will have maybe yoga pants and nice attitude so no bitching and calling my family, the whole family, to tell them about crazy texts and acting all crazy! Why would she do this! It's maddening! My family doesn't care about texts?! My mother is sick with an autoimmune disease and my father is old. My other family is all the way in Pakistan! This is crazy!
This Motel, I think it is 8, maybe it is 9, I don't remember. It also has a hot tub sauna so if you want to do sexy soak. Please respond before bombardment. You might be lucky lady if you get first pick by Bojin.
Into missionary, stationary, compass, protractors, whatever. Yeah, I've totally gotten weird and freaky. I'm definitely not a virgin. I've done headstands, body slams, keg bends, leg aches, muscle spasms, straight up splits on my balls. A 260 roll a round half sprint that landed into an army crawl crop duster. I've been party to not one, but two full half-threesomes. I got my ass kicked at an orgy once. I saw a girl give birth on tv. I'm looking for a totally wild and out there party girl that's into, you know, crazy stuff. Or as my title says I'm looking for Sexy Woman For New Sexual Fun With. Are you that vixen? Let's get down or up. I'm down to get totally sideways too. In fact I'm most down to be laying down, that would be preferred. And if you'd like to sleep afterwards I would be fine with that so we can regain our lost energy. Are you a sleak otter-like animal that's into sex play, urban dictionary, googling dick terms and soccer piss? Call me.
Name's Scooter Boot and I got an erection, just kidding, but I do. Last date I took out for some hors devours (or whores divorce as I like to call em) and we split em right down the middle...her legs I mean, the check she paid for. Met her here in fact and now I'm lookin' for round two. Not a picky eater, pretty much a buffet guy in terms of looks. I'm just askin that you don't have any pending cases against me....don't want to have to cut through red tape to get to the pink if you know what I'm sayin'. Church ladies are fine just no organ players. Woman that are inta snakes and reptilians are sexy as hell. I got a few unused terrariums in my garage if anyone happens to need one. No men please. Let's see, I also like Navy women (thar she blows!), floutist, flourist and women that work in retail cowboy boot shops. Hate to be breakin the limits of social distancin and I don't want to get carone'd but first things gonna kill me is lack of lovin'. Put LOL in the subject line for lack of lovin' and I'll know it's you, officially Scoot.
My name is Donna Edna Byerly, or Grandma Donna as they call me, and I am looking for a gentleman to smash with. See, I am a grape grower and a wine enthusiast. Up til this point in time I have harvested my grapes and made jelly and/or given them away. This year I thought it would be fun and different to make my own wine. I also thought, what a fun date (get it "date" like the fruit) to get together and smash grapes. I have the whiskey barrels already. We could smash at my house or yours, I'm not particular.
Do you like to smash? I should have asked you that in the first place because I know we are old and sometimes when you smash things, parts get broken or out of place. I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. You can smash as rigorous or as gentle as you see fit. I've smashed once or twice before but I'm a little rusty so don't feel insecure about your skill level...I am no smash master (you should see my sister smash though, she gets it all over the place!). If you are serious about smashing, put "I love to smash" in your subject line and hopefully we can smash soon!