I'm looking for a shiksha to entertain, maybe annoy, with my abundance of pleasurable bantor and charm or as some say, "complete unabandoned childhood" (which, by the way, is worse than an abandoned childhood. I would pray to Elohim that my parents would go on a vacation every once in awhile.) No, my father and my mother were good to me, they were. They blessed me with all five hairs on my head and left it up to me to lose them not so gradually. It's stress...it's probably self-induced stress and now I've got to find healthy ways of coping so for starters no yentes, no real housewives of whatever and no meshuggeners. Is that too tall of a list? My experiences thus far are nit ahoy ay ay ay. That is why I am saying goy ahoy and steering in a whole new direction.
The shiksha of my dreams is a corporate lawyer turned George Clooney wife...oh wait that is Amal. Now we're really starting out great, you think I'm some wife stealing scumbag that is way overprojecting his own desirability and to that I say, "Now we're starting to see eye to breast" because, I figure this is a nice seguay to drop the bomb, I am five foot six and a half. I really have that kind of demanding persona though that makes me appear just a few inches shorter and a sense of humor that makes most men and women question who invited me to the party. I'm looking for more of a hit me up type of situation, one that starts out with wine and dinner then yadayadayada you've changed your number and I'm posting up here again. Looking forward to that second posting myself, Mozel Tov!
Guys call me "Road", girls call me their worst nightmare. Never seen a lady I didn't like. Scratch that. Never seen a broad I couldn't take. How about a little Porsche Carrera and Lickity split? Your place. The say if the hounds are out than it must be Friday. Walter Kronkite couldn't have predicted a day like today. Finally, the horses came in. Stunning. How many times do I have to say your name before they let me in? What do you say...You, Me, A Greyhound Martini, 2 beds and a calling card? One of those prepaid ones that scratch off. You know what I'm talking about.
Palm Beach is calling again. That's why we need the scratch off. Just like a lotto ticket, just no winnings, only minutes. What's that you say? It's cheaper to get a plan? You know the saying "If you wanna make God laugh tell him your plans." Nice try sweetheart. I'd say Roger that, but got a bad toothache. Molar not feeling so good since you left if you catch my drift. Got to get these phone minutes applied, and fast. Send Jerry my love. Road.
If somebody were smart they would start a COVID19 datings site so that us singles could meet like-virused singles and get it on. I used to be part of a herpes site, real useful. No one likes to break it to a potential partner that they have a genital dermalogical condition so this way you just KNOW. When I had epstein bar...well, that never goes away actually, I was able to meet some ladies at a mononucleosis support group. When I got tired of dating them, literally, I moved onto a more popular TB group, which I had also contracted. It's not that I'm particularly immune compromised, I think it's more due to the fact that I really get around.
I'm not trying to brag, but I have had some of the more popular viruses in history so it wasn't a surprise when I got the corona virus...I'm kind of a virus king, so you know, it just makes sense. When ebola came around in 2013 yep you got it, yours truly probably infected in the triple digits. I've had trace amounts of hanta, all of the symptoms of H1N1 without an actuall full on diagnosis and phantom rabies. I don't want to jinx it, but I wouldn't be surprised if I come down with something in the future that no one has even heard of. I could be like the main guy, you know, patient zero. Do you want a man or do you want a man-demic is something I think you should start asking yourself. This shit is real and I wanna give it you.
I have COVID19 and, frankly, a few other diseases.
OMG, Hyeeeeee! Like seriously what is up beasts?! HOTH, hoes in the house like jonezin' for a hangout sesh. I'm at da club right now and it's 11:30 a.m. Got my girls and a spritzer, a white track suit with the words "No bride's allowed" in rhinestone's on the back, what else does a girl need? Maybe a studdly muffin to pop a collar on and call my own. No dogs though...PLZ...no SAINT bernards, no LASSIES, no SHEEP HERDERS cuz I ain't cleanin up no one's shit pile. OMG, Beyonce is on right now. I love this f'ing song!
My last bf broke up with me bc he said I'm obnoxious. THAT is NOT a reason to bReaK Up WIth soMeONE, okay? Okay? O-kay? I don't give a shit, obv, cuz I'm out living my best life as my best self in my best outfit of the day yoloing like an M. That's all I have to say. I got mounds of self-esteem stockpiled in my designer handbags and if they ever got stolen or lost that self esteem would be GONE and I would have to hire someone to find it or kill the person who took them. I'm amaze-ballz and blessed AF and all that jazz so no regrets and call me soon babies. Hot babies only apply! I'm not a 10, but my personality makes up for what I lack. I can look past someone who has serious personality issues if you are hot enough. I think you get the picture, peace out and lovey!
Now why can't I find a date? Why? I'm in my golden years, 54, like the club. Most of you too young to know about that. I'm not talkin about a caveman club either, like one they used to use to knock their mates out with. I'm not THAT old! When I was out datin a lot I met some real catches...like, you know, catchin a preditor types. Why? Why me? What about me is sayin' to genuine creepos "Hey come on over, I'll have ya." Jolly geezus. Also met some bigandlows, ya know the guys that shake it for cash. I'm not lookin' for no bigandlows and no deadliest catch, I'm hopin by bein straight up and myself I'll attract myself my own person that is like me. I ain't no mathemagician, but I got a good head on my shoulders. Name is Magna, by the way, like lava I always say. I went to a Pentacostal school and I'm a true believer of Christ. I like a guy with a mustache, that is alright with me. The tighter the jeans, the better! And if you wear thick rimmed glasses with a slight color gradation, I think that is sexy as hell. And sneakers. White sneakers, I just have somethin for em. Anyways, you get the picture. My hands are hurtin from a little arthritus so I'm gonna close up and say if your name is Jerry or Lester or Jim, those are my horoscope name matches and definitely respond. I wll try and respond to you in a timely manner as well. Lookin forward to it!
Hello ladies (not gentlemen, don't swing that way guys) I hope your V day was good. I waited until after it was over to post. Doesn't make any sense to me to have to rush into something just because of a holiday we all know is bullshit. My name is Doug, nice to meet your acquaintance. I'm posting because I read these ads but haven't found anyone that sounds like a match for me. I'm a Netflix and chill guy, don't like going out a lot. Would prefer just an Uber Eats and a movie over the bar or a party. I'm drug free....a little weed is okay. I wish I could say I'm disease free, but there are a few things worth noting.
Last summer I had a weird smell and so I was checked out by a doctor....nothing. The smell continued to get worse, I'd literally be in a room and people would comment how it smelled like a dead body that had been doused in urine and set on fire. It didn't feel like that. Finally, I found a doc that let me know I had ringworm of the crotch that was compounded by two other fungal infections. We were able to treat the ringworm, but one of the fungal infections moved to the interior and I was hospitalized for a secondary uterine infection. It's not a big deal, it's cleared up, the only remaining symptom is that sometimes I projectile pee a little bit at random. Everything was fine until I got tested before becoming a donor and they found I had a rare case of clamorrhea, a clamydia/gonorrhea hybrid had nestled itself in my tube and I was a carrier of another unknown std they ended up naming after me: Doug's disease.
Yeah, so other than that, I have a good job and am genitally kind to people, I mean generally. I'm interested in a simple girl, not a lot of drama. Please have your own life, opinions and things you like to do. If you have any questions, I'd be glad to answer them. Have a nice day!
Scooter Boot here'n ya know, I just went through another relationship heave ho (emphasis on the ho). She literally gave me the boot, the one I've had on my right leg for two years now cause of the Keystone Forklift incident of '18. I left the boot at her house on purpose, kind of a Cinderella move. Thought after I punched a hole in the wall and started calling all my ex wives I should make a grand gesture. But the next day "Ho'down McGee" threw the boot in the pool and when I tried to retrieve it, the handicap chair that was lowering me in got stuck and we had to call the fire department. Not exactly the glass slipper moment I pictured.
So now Scoot is back in the rascal with my head held high (with the help of a neck brace...the pool rescue got a little grizzly) and lookin' for love. Or just a discreet encounter. Or friends with benefits. Maybe more? My momma used to tell me "it must be cute being so lonely" and it really is. I need a lady that is a freak in the sheets and weak in the cheeks. A lady that can get done up and look pretty just as easily as she could get her hands dirty and manually crank a handicap pool aid. Lookin' forward to hearin' from ya, yours trully, Scoot.
I'm a guy, I'm pretty sure. I mean if having a dick is what constitutes being a guy then I have to retract that. Let me explain. I was part of a clinical research study that had poor chemical results. Yada yada yada the trial ended badly and now I'm what you might call genitally impaired. I can still thrust, but because of the gelatinus hose replacement, its kind of more of a wobble. Maybe a better metaphore might be like, you know those soft slinky things that swallow themselves and they are really hard to hold because the water goes to one end and it jumps out of your hands? It's like if you had a long one of those filled with tar. The difference is that if you push in, it stays and doesn't bounce back. Am I making any sense? I don't mean to make it sound like it's compact, it's foldable, moldable and wraps around to the back. Bicycles are out of the question. Luckily, I found an alteration lady in my neighborhood that has been able to sew me special pants that facilitate the full area and compensate for...lets just say any mishaps. Which happen quite frequently. I actually need to get going and change my strap. I like movies, social events, comedy shows...used to like horse back riding, but you know. Anyway, here's hoping you like my confidence and honesty.
Aw, one of my wittle kittles is snuggling up to my leg right now, I think it's a sign! My name is Krystal and I collect salt shakers, I love JC Penney, my favorite fast food is Jack n the Box and I have 483 cats (Lost a few in the last month to a sweeping case of feline AIDS. I stopped the orgy in the back yard by quarantining the known carriers into a storage POD. Then the POD accidentally got picked up so I'm in the middle of sorting out the mix up right now. So I guess, as of now, I have 412 cats!) If you were here in this moment, I guess I'd like to say to you, "Hurry, let's hang out quick before the cats get back!" Not because less cats makes it more pleasant, but because I know after being couped up without air, my cat "Charles Meownson" is out for blood. There's a reason he got that name!
Oh gosh, I'm laughing so hard as I'm typing this. Sometimes all you can do is laugh through the ups and downs of life. Oh well! I'd love to clear a spot off my kitchen counter and make you a delicious meal and clear off a spot on the couch so we can eat and chat. I'm thinking like tuna casserole. Casserole I'm pretty sure is French. Just so you know I never lick my cats on the face before I eat and I always wash my hands after I cook. Please like cats, it's not a deal breaker for me, but when you drive up to the house and cats are coming out of the woodwork like a big city in the Walking Dead you might be a little uncomfortable.
Hope to hear from you soon xoxoxox Krystal
Hello dears, grandma Donna here. Or you know just Donna to you, I'm not your grandma, hopefully. Been on a couple dates and I find it hard to know what to say. Back in the day we didn't have to have a personality we were on the grab system. If you wanted someone you had to grab em first and whoever did that got to keep em. Dibs weren't worth a horse nickel, you had to grab em and throw em into a moving truck and then hop on the back and latch on good. My first husband I latched so hard they had to pry him out of my hands to put him in the ground. That's how it was.
Nowadays, people can't just grab'em with all the hashtag me too stuff. I make hash browns, so I don't know about all that hashtag stuff. Anyhoo, I would like to meet up with a cunning linguist to teach me the tongue of modern man. I don't give a lick if you're not an expert, just be willing! I don't want to be going on dates, stiff as a board like I'm not enjoing myself. Maybe we could do a little practice. If you are easy on the eyes and consider yourself a cunning linguist, teach me the trade, I will return the favor with some hot muffins right out of the oven!