November 7, 2020
NDA
I get it. You broke up with your last gf because she was crazy. She was a raging bitch that tried to kill herself three times for no reason. An alcoholic that would blow up your phone sending rage texts any time of the day or night. You broke up with her. I get it, you broke up with her. Listen, I don't need your whole life story. In fact, I've drafted an NDA...a non-disclosure agreement that lays out just how much I don't need your life story. It's a binding arbitrary agreement limiting our conversations to agreeable subject matter and, well, states that you promise not to disclose too much personal information about yourself until I decide to proceed into something more serious. Cause who needs that. Section 1 - No ex-girlfriends. I don't care who broke up with who. I don't want to know why you are single. When you start explaining it, you sound sus. Section 2 - No Drug History. I don't need to know about the time you did shrooms on coke on heroin on mescalin on the first date. There's another word for DMT, it's TMI. Section 3 - No sex history. Any talk of sex on a first date is a red flag that in your mind you never intended to take it to a second date. This signals that you'd sacrifice your chance at longevity for the chance to get in my pants one time. It's not a good look. Section 4 - No shaming. If you're making remarks about people's habits, their weight, their education or anything that is not in appreciation of their differences I start to wonder what you are going to do when I am seventy, saggy and drooling on myself. I'm looking for longevity! If you feel comfortable signing this simple NDA than my attorney's will get back to you about a good time to meet.
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