My girlfriend is a super hot nutcase. Ever seen the crazy/hot scale on Youtube? Fits her to a T! Nothing fits her actually that is over a size zero. She weighs 90 pounds and all we ever talk about is fat. "Do I look fat in this?" "Does my butt look fat?" I'm so bored of this conversation that I'm seriously on the hunt for a fat girl or just anyone that doesn't care to ask me that question one more time! My gf doesn't enjoy sex, she poses. I feel like I'm f***ing a page in a magazine. After sex she runs into a closet so I won't see her change, it's weird.
On the bright side, she's as controlling as a missile drone operator. If you like the feeling of not ever being good enough no matter what you say or do, you'll love my girlfriend whose personality is as flat as she appears from the side...paper thin. Is she bi-polar? Borderline? Schizophrenic? I don't know, spin the wheel. Every day is something new, I hope you like spontaneity...I hope you like being hit in the back of the head with spontaneity, getting thrown into a shallow grave and then covered with a pile of dirt.
Please have money. Her evil is fueled by her massive shopping trips where she leaves with two of her friends and comes back with ten outfits and one major disappointment...you. You will be responsible for her happiness, her sadness, her daddy issues, the damage from previous relationships, her accidents and whenever she just doesn't feel good.
If this ad seems like it fits you, good on ya dude, your the greater man. Hats off to you! I owe you big time.
Getting bored of my usual sexual escapades and looking for some new grooves. I've been involved with a midievil masochists group and find myself zoning out while I'm whipping genitals repeatedly with a mace...it starts to feel like I'm doing factory work. I almost fell asleep last time I was in the pillory performing Bukake on these seven hairy guys. I feel like I need to step it up or I might just end up spending my nights developing talents or planning elaborate vacations. Seriously, last time I was with my renaissance gig we performed some mock guillotine action, but instead of chopping a head off, my dick was repeatedly slammed with a hard block of cedar. The worst part of it was that I was daydreaming about a super cool ladder I'd seen at Costco earlier that day, it's just not doing it for me any more. I used to enjoy the sword fights in the park where us middle aged perverts would get together and smack meat, but now it's become so routine that I drift off wondering if my account is overdrawn from my recurring monthly baking subscription. If you have some new kinks you could introduce, please put them in the subject of your email. I'm getting worried that I might soon be forced to come up with enriching activities where I will create a legacy and people might start to look at me like I'm an accomplished gentleman. Thanks.
The party is poppin' right here, right in my PA (Personal Ad). It's amusing people still do these, right? When do we get to have customized robot partners with progressively intellectual OS's and sensitivity switchboards? NM. Anyway, name is Jack and I'm 36. I have never been married and I think some of that has to do with how independent I am. I'm one of those guys that goes to movies by myself and enjoys it. I know strange, right? I always have a lot of projects going on. Made my own boat last summer. It actually works!
I feel like it might be important to also mention here that I struggle with IBS. No worries, I can go AT LEAST 4 hours without shitting in my crocs. It's simply up and down motions that set off my stomach, cheese, corn, milk, beans, peas, yogurt, taffy, sandwiches, runny soups, cabbage, sausage, greasy food, beef sticks, black licorice, nuts, meats and dairy. I don't start shitting immediately, first it just sounds like a swamp gator's gutteral mating call. Once, at this Chinese restaurant, the staff was investigating a potential sewage leak cause they heard gurgling. Not to be disgusting, but when I let it rip cause I couldn't hold it in anymore... it was like taking a sleeping bag that someone had farted in two hundred years ago, sealed shut and finally burst open. I wish it was confetti, but it was definitely a billion poo particles dispersing.
Anyway, just like my mom has always said "Everybody has baggage". I assure you I am economically secure and a real gas to go out with <-see, that's funny! Give me a chance, I will blow your expectations!
Some people have old souls...not me. My name is Jason and I'm a spiritual noob. Last twenty years I spent slammin' shit into my arm under a bridge. Started out with small stuff, a bag a dope, a bottle a hooch and before I knew it I was gettin' Narcan'd every other week in a Burger King bathroom. That is until I decided to give my will and my life over to God. I "recognized and reconciled" (TM) and put it on a T-shirt, started my own religion and now I spend my time handing over leaflets to people gettin off the bus at the metro center. I'm looking for my partner in time...and all eternity. I hit rock bottom and now I'm a rock top. I'm so FILLED with THE POWER of GOD that I OVERENUNCIATE every OTHER word. If you would like to "RECOGNIZE and RECONCILE" with me, I mean God, I can help you get there. God has opened up his heart to me and told me that there is a HWP lady out there in need of my leadership. When I say I'm born again that does not mean I am back to my birth weight, it means every time we talk I'm going to get over vigilant about God to the point of almost-screaming. Come be born again with me, we can incubate together in God's presence and be fraternal twins of faith.
Heya sweethearts, I gotta coupla valentine's scraps for ya if ya don't already have a beau to wine and dine with. Last year I had a live in gf that I gave the treatment to. I literally set the alarm for her in the morning so she could get up to make breakfast for us. Then when she cleaned up all the dishes, I told her how great her ass looked and some other compliments I don't remember. I like to not remember cause then they sound fresh when I use them again. Guys, remember when you could just make a mixed tape of old 80's songs and copy it to ten tapes and write different ladies names on them? Those days are over, unfortunately. I gotta bunch of the Cure in my storage unit, don't wanna burn em, but don't know if I'll be able to get em back into my repertoire, ya know? I hate that dark crap! Be good looking, I am, but not too keen on yourself. Happy, but not fake. Have a job and don't be a free loader. I'd be glad to meet you at a dutch restaurant, meaning we each pay our own way, so neither of us have to be disappointed if we don't like what the other person looks like. We can just say we had a nice time and are tired or whatever. However, if the date goes then I'll buy you a bunch more liquor, take you home and give you the valentine surprise. What's the Valentine's surprise you ask? I don't know, be good looking and you'll find out. Contact me, Eddie, on the board and I know it's not St. Patty's but you still might get lucky!
Ha! Fooled ya, this is Scooter Boot, betcha didn't think I could get a lawyer degree, but I did, in the title. Pssst I'd rather get the boot than wear a suit, m'na tell ya that right now. No divorces since my last ad, cross my fingers.. Met a coupla ladies along the way that I did a little catch n release...if you love em you gotta let em go. Nothin of note to report in old Scoot's love life (Not that I didn't get a tail or two). I'm huggin' on a warm Coors Light right now and listening to the Doobie's, stars are out and I'm reflecting on the many ladies I'd give trophies to if my love life had an awards show. Best Ass-tress gotta be Connie O'Donnel from Medford High. Dated her when I was just a jr. and she was the Future Farmers of America nominee for homecoming queen...she lost, but now she's gettin' the revenge by takin' the crown back. Anyway, best Sportin' Ass-tress, Dana Worth. Man oh man, that ass was like two steamin hot pot pies sittin in the window sill. Best Direct Whore...my ex wife. The first one.
I know there's a lady out there lookin' at the same stars, maybe even the xact same one, you're holdin' your warm Coors and you got the station on, now it's playin' Steely Dan. I'd like to do a cheers to you and let you know I'm waitin' on the other end here, just like your own personal DJ ready to take yer request, little lady. Take the leap and hop online, let's get this chat going...
Name's S'ezzi n m like tryn ta scape all dese po boyz...got no clams, got no cheez. I nee a guy dat like the dentis, u know how ta floss knowhati'msayin'? I got da million dollah booty yo, only smack I'm havin on my ass is straight Clumbia. Take my vice, if u open a door once in awhile it don't mean there's a door closin somewhere u straight trippin. Done even think dat u can tex me if u done have a job...u a floater. Put yo coat on an I c u out. Last guy I dated was like Twilight Zone, took to da pool and he went all doo doo doo doo on Nandma. U like a prison dude or workin da corner like a stop light, turn red cuz I ain't dat thirsty. I got radical notions of like a relationship like guy shou trea me right, bring me funyans n' shit, giffs, dvd's. Plz done even contac me if u bank at da bottle drop, dat shit ain tight.