My name is Annie and I am going through a divorce. I am divorcing the lord. For thirty years I have been dedicated to service and had a commitment to celibacy, but now I'm celiba-free and I can't wait to try the buffet! Being married to the lord has it's perks, he's a wonderful listener! If your love language is quality time than you got a real winner. And gifts! Oh the wonderful gifts he will give you! However, if you're like me and your love language is compliments, well, he's not much for words (And I sure as H-E double hockey sticks wasn't getting any compliments dressed in that glorified garbage sack). I'd like to be able for once in my life lift a hem of my skirt, show some leg and hear a little "Hubba-hubba" every once in awhile. I'd like to have the awesome experience of walking past a group of construction workers and hearing one of them holler "Hey sister, you got it goin' on!" And not referring to me as sister because we are all spiritually related, but as some kind of demeaning come on. I'm getting excited at the pure thought. I'm sorry, not pure...
I'm breaking out into the world of online dating because one of the gentiles in my congregation, a young and colorful gal, mentioned this is where people explore potential suitors (She didn't quite put it in those words). Once again, my name is Annie and I'm ready to take off this habit and try on some others for size.
Oh man, here goes. My name is Celeste and I'm trying to give this online thing another chance. I've gone on a few dates with some of the guys I met here and not so good. The first guy was named Booter Scoot or something like that. Where do I start...the fact that he kept referring to me as cookie puss or that we had to call triple A cause he drunk drove his Rascal scooter into a pothole. Two weeks later I went out with this guy named Shane that was obsessed with evacuation and I'm not talking about emergency preparedness. And he wasn't talking about a game show when he said he wanted to see what was behind door number 2. Not a great pick up line! It might have been better than asshole Alan's though who commented that I look like "a prenup model". Ron invited me back to his place as we walked out of Applebee's and before I could decline, opened the back door to his 1985 class C RV in the parking lot. Is that supposed to be some kind of loophole? What is wrong with you guys?
And what is wrong with me that I am on here? Is there something I'm missing beside's lame one-liners? I must just be a glutton for punishment.
My pronoun is Zimzoo and I am a crossgender tranny fluid liquid queer. If you don't know what that means Google it and then Google it again. If you refer to me as just Zim I will Yelp review your whole family. If you would like to understand me, go to a gun range and watch one of the roaming targets. I am that gun. I absolutely do not support the use of guns, however, so no gun supporters within my range, ifyouknowhatimean? I've been dating a lot of cisgender jingadoodles, but I'm also into Binjan-free Juxtagenitals. If you are not pro nouns, then you are against them is what I like to say. And if you are not pro-nouns then what are you really? Mind blown!
Please be readily offended by anything and everything. If this article offends you then we might just be a match. Write Zim in the subject line and bullet points about all of the things in this article that turned you off.
Scoot here or Scooter S. or Mr. Boot or Mr. Roboot. Been asleep for awhile, but I woke up today to the rooster cock-a-doodle doodling this mornin'. Last time I threw up an ad, one of the gals asked me if Scooter Boot is an exclusive club for members (at least I thought it was a gal, might've been one of those internet spiders...my friend Joe "Dung Dong" Hansen said there's crawlers in the websites...that must be where the 'web' comes from, I ain't dumb). Anyhoo...no ladies, this club is elite, but we don't turn anyone down no matter how large or poor. Scooter Boot, LLC is equal opportunity and I got a member ship for any dock or any bay. Come sign up today!
I got machines that will work out your outters, inners for amateurs OR beginners. We can start out slow and then work our way up. The last relationship I had that started out slow, well, we were in jail the next day wearing each others clothes with three different drug charges. My point is that it might be better if we start out fast and go from there. My last relationship was fantastic and I have all the references you need. The relationship with my attorney, I mean, my last few divorces were total shit shows. I don't want to go off on a negative tangent and ruin my buzz so let's end on a high note. I'm planning on the doodle-doo wakin' me up tomorrow too, so whyncha give me another reason ta get up in the mornin' ;)
My last gf was a pos, so be better than her. Straight up, I'm overly NOT in-touch with my feelings. If I even hear someone mention feelings I just wanna take their ears with my two hands and bash their skull on my knee. I'm a tough guy, not in the trying-out-nunchuks-in-the-mirror sense....like a real tough guy. Spinach for breakfast and all that. I go to the gym like I'm taking a bath, real regular. Baths are for pussy's too. I only take showers. My last girlfriend said I used to hit her. She's right. Can't wait to find the next "It girl" so I can hit her too. I've been accused of being a misogynist...I don't discriminate, I'll hit you too. I told my ex if she didn't like violence than she needed to get out of the kitchen. Then when she came in the living room I was like "What are you doing b****, I told you I wanted a club panini, get back in that damn kitchen!" The guy she's with now looks like he takes baths all day, not only does he look like he couldn't stand up for himself in front of a scare crow, he's all wrinkly and old. Whatever floats her boat (in his lavender scented bubble bath) I guess.
Anyway, the girl I'm looking for likes to be hit, she likes frequent apologies and intermittent bouts of pure degradation. Is this you? Good. Tell me about yourself, anything but your feelings. I know you are out there thinking this is just the asshole I need in my life.
Been dating casualty and now that I'm getting older I'm looking for something a little more serious. My name is Jenna and I am looking for someone who is anelliptical like myself. My favorite passed time is having conversuations with a partner about politicks or religeon. I'm a conservative btw so anyone extremably libral is probably not going to be my cup of tea. Some of the activiteas I enjoy are: watching Steve Wilko, over purchasing pantry items, line dancing, leather, saluting and praying. I'm a sirtified math-a-magician...I work as a cashier at a popular growsorry store. Althoe my job seems simple, it's very inlightning and I get to meat tons of people every day. Get lots of comments about how I'm to smart to be having this job, but it pays the bills. For now I'd just like to have someone to talk to deep into the night about economix, socialigamy and poly-sigh. I hope you can keep up!
Christopher here, I said "til death do we start" because I'm Mormon and when Mormon's die we get to take our women with us. You're gonna need a man to get you into the Celestial Kingdom, but don't worry I'll pull some strings and make sure it happens. Looking for a fertile lady to fulfill God's commandment to populate the church and make it one of the largest corporations in the world. It's really great cause once we fulfill the commandments we can go on to spend eternity with our family's 24/7. Doesn't that sound...amazing.
As the wife of a Mormon man you will have amazing opportunities at your fingertips. You can be a homemaking slave, an Etsy seller, a blonde blogger or an edgy cupcake store owner just to name a few. You'll also have access to a wide variety of anti-depressants and psychiatrists offices which are more numerous than temples.
I would be happy to escort you, as a male, into the afterlife and guarantee you a spot in the highest of heavens. All I ask of you is to produce a multitude of miniature God's and not ask too many questions.
Do you like games? A little cat and mouse? Musical chairs? Well, here we go round the mulberry bush because I have tagged you and now it is your turn for fun. Where am I? Up a tree or in your computer memory bank? Pop goes the weasel in your email inbox, my name, in bold. But what is my name? Is it Atrayu or Rumpelstiltskin? Is it a whisper or a shout? A train passes in the distance and you wonder if you should answer. Are there any good answers you ask yourself. Question upon question unfolds and you are in a philosophical quandary. There is no end in sight, but is it the journey or the destination? Is it the ends or is it the means? You cannot spell means without man's, have you noticed?
As I was reading this personal ad to my mother her response was to "settle down". I have no abilities to "settle down", that implies settling...period. Would you like to be told someone was settling for you? Not if you're the girl of which I seek. When others ask of my partner, I will say I "Went above and beyond my expectations" not "settled down" on such and such person. How low and provincial would a person be if they, just for the sake of social propriety, dumbed down their deepest passions and desires? My mother can go be a settler like Pat Boone and Davy Crocket if she so desires, I will go on to establish colonies and make my fortunes known.
My name is Gray and I am pleasantly awaiting your reply.