I'm a huge Limp Bizkit fan and I really can't figure out what I am doing wrong that is detracting all females from wanting to smash like double D's on a mammogram. I'm sincerely "Comin’ raw with no corrections, Savin’ all perfections for what I do with my erections." Like Fred I'm perfect at sex, if there was a judges panel in my room, they would all be holding up 10's. Maybe these gals are gluten free and when they think of Bizkit's they're afraid they are gonna get fat. Let's all just agree there's no such think as a gluten allergy, the real term is ANOREXIA. Right?! Nywayz, I'm sounding obnoxious, but I'm really not in RL. Just have a huge boner for F.D. and L.B. Hope that's not a prob.
Don't be alarmed I had my room interior decorated by Spencer's Gifts. I have a gigantic blow up penis as a bedroom light, posters of Ren & Stimpy from when MTV was good and all of my football trophies from 8th grade all the way down to fifth grade displayed. Like the cliche "I live in my mom's basement" well, I live in my mom's basement. Got a bong that is just boobs and a long neck. That's muh lady, don't get jealous. I'm Ryan btw.
If you wanna come over and blow some smoke that's cool, if you just wanna straight up have sex I think I could bend over backwards to accomodate. Or you could bend over backwards and we'll call it a date haha. Okay, well, bye.
Well, well, well, it's Grandma Donna AKA the rug pusher AKA blow and go (and all of the other sentimental names my potential suitors have been giving me :) :) ) I'm here to address the mystery man that just sent me an email and posed the philosophical question asking if I had any gray area. The older I get the more I have a gray area, I believe, not like when I was younger and everything was so black and white. I'm willing to meet in that gray area and explore that further. People who are black and white are closed off, but as you get wiser and come to really touch the middle you become open wide and more accepting.
What do you think? You think you would be able to meet me in the middle and do a little back and forth? I would be looking for someone with similar ideals. Write "Meet in the middle gray area" in the subject line if you're interested ;)
Hmmm, so I thought I was on my way towards "status: relationship" with my now ex, but evidently that is a hard "no". I'm in...shock. Granted we had only been on five dates, but five dates is enough to feel the vibe like "okay, we doin this". Up til then I was in the interview phase, he asked a lot of questions. Now that I think about it....it was kind of like I was on a game show. He also fully investigated my apartment. With a black light as well. He contacted a few of my friends for references. Also, he ordered a background check. Then on our last date, he presented all of the information and why we were not compatible. Got up from the table and left.
I am looking to rebound with a Scorpio.
I was just thinking what a doughnut whore I am as I'm over here downing this bear claw. Sexy right? As much as I like doughnuts, I'd say I'm actually more of a sandwich whore. Sandwiches are way more sexy too. You can cut them in all fours...oh yeah...and even cut off the crust. Mmmmmm. I'm getting hungry for some slices and slabs right now. I like to do it Deli style if you know what I mean. I'm sorry, I'm going on and on about myself over here without asking any questions, I am such an attention whore! What I'd really like is to learn more about you, I'm a whore for learning new things. Before you answer this ad you should ask yourself a) am I interesting to talk to and b) would I want to date me? If the answer to those questions is yes than shoot me a text and we can go into round two. One thing I should mention is that I am saving myself for marriage so if you are looking for a quick lay this is not it. I'm an abstinence whore and I'm not backing down.
Alcoholics, wanna-be drug dealers, unemployed musicians, mama's boys and men with general anger management disorders this is your chance! My name is Stella and I have an opening for one loser as I had to fire my last right hand loser. Correction...he quit. Once you come on board you'll see that it is very difficult to get fired. Due to implied laws like the cost-sunk fallacy you will be guaranteed a position as a full time investment. I am ready and willing to invest everything I have to see that you become the superior bf I know you can be! And I will chase that dream to the bitter end. The only qualifications you need to possess are: Narcissistic personality disorder, a drive for self-preservation above all, no moral character, extensive gas lighting abilities with sociopath tendencies. You will also be charismatic, witty and the life of the party.
Geez, I think the men I date are the problem, but when it comes down to it I just want a puppet show that is good in bed. That's really actually pretty shallow. I'm sure there's a lot of good men out there shaking their heads wondering why I keep going for all these jokers cause I'm such a catch. Don't you see how shallow I am? Any guy who wants me isn't seeing me for who I truly am and is pretty shallow too. It's just a huge shallow pyramid of people that want people more shallow then them.
What are your preferences? Shallow losers that know how to fuck are mine. NM, don't answer this ad, I need help.
Isn't that all speed dating is anyway? If you can only last 30 seconds in a convo that's gonna make me question how long you're gonna last other places. I'm not interested in speed marrying or speed procreating so why is it so important to bust out the dating process? I'm not looking for a quick fix to my loneliness. A fast courtship is gonna lead to a fast break eventually, that's what my life's wisdom has taught me. If you are Speedy Gonzalez before I know it you're just Speedy Gone-all-togeths.
As a woman I want to get to know you, pick your brain. That's why men like speed dating. IMO men are scared, and rightfully so, that we are going to uncover some dark secret, realize they aren't all that or generally F everything up if they talk to us for longer than 30 seconds. I hate to break it to you men, but 1 out of the 4 guys that I talked to when I tried speed dating couldn't even last that long! One guy told me about his erectile dysfunction, another bored me to death talking about his golden retriever, one admitted he had a drinking problem without even saying those words and there were more.
Speed dating must've been created by a man cause one thing women value is quality time. If you are looking for a friend, partner, someone to talk to then let's take the time to get to know each other. Otherwise, you can get your quickie from someone else.
I heard these girls at the mall talkin bout how they was lookin for a snack and shit no lie they be talkin' bout a man! M'kay, first off none a these bitches look like they had anything BUT a snack in months yaknowhati'msayin and second off okay listen, momma ain't lookin' for no snack over heah. I ain't shoppin' for no lunchables, I ain't lookin for no snack packs....uh uh. I need a straight up dinner, m'kay. Ya'll can have your snack attack and go get yourself somethin' off the dollar menu at McDonald's like extra crispy or whatever and one tiny little pickle. No thank you. Meanwhile, I be DINING, yes dinin' on a full banquet mmmm. Not like an Oprah banquet neither...there will be bread. So essentially I am looking for a D-I-N-N-E-R, like a real one, Applebee's or Red Lobster. IF YOU ARE A SNACK...then somebody lookin' for you outside the TJ Maxx. I want to look you up and down, lick my lips and be like "That man is a dinner roll, first course, second course, third and fourth". Go look in the mirror and what do you see? You see a pile of crackers and dipstick, little bit of cheese on the side or do you see a bacon wrapped filet? If the answer is the bacon wrapped filet then we in business, K? Put Applebee's in the subject line so I know you ain't no snack.
Hoping there is some woman here that enjoys her feet meat caressed, stroked and worshiped. Please have your feet meat prepped and clean. If you are the type of woman that gets pedicures every month than this is an entirely compatible situation. All I'm asking is that I am able to take several pictures of your feet meat, put them on a pedestal with candles and tenderize them with the finest of oils. I do not have any personal references (I was asked that in response to my last ad, sorry). I have a job sorting mail, but while I am checking for postal code errors and missing information I am daydreaming about glistening feet meat. Sometimes a co-worker will break my trance asking if I am taking a break and I will usually snap at him, "Of course I'm taking a break, it's paid for isn't it?"
I don't want to think about my co-worker right now, he's a fucking idiot. I'd much rather indulge in the fantasy of your feet meat massaging my neck like hands. I have very large hands btw, great for tenderizing. I am dying to ravage the feet meat of a lost princess, please your highness let me have a feast!
My name is Annie and I am going through a divorce. I am divorcing the lord. For thirty years I have been dedicated to service and had a commitment to celibacy, but now I'm celiba-free and I can't wait to try the buffet! Being married to the lord has it's perks, he's a wonderful listener! If your love language is quality time than you got a real winner. And gifts! Oh the wonderful gifts he will give you! However, if you're like me and your love language is compliments, well, he's not much for words (And I sure as H-E double hockey sticks wasn't getting any compliments dressed in that glorified garbage sack). I'd like to be able for once in my life lift a hem of my skirt, show some leg and hear a little "Hubba-hubba" every once in awhile. I'd like to have the awesome experience of walking past a group of construction workers and hearing one of them holler "Hey sister, you got it goin' on!" And not referring to me as sister because we are all spiritually related, but as some kind of demeaning come on. I'm getting excited at the pure thought. I'm sorry, not pure...
I'm breaking out into the world of online dating because one of the gentiles in my congregation, a young and colorful gal, mentioned this is where people explore potential suitors (She didn't quite put it in those words). Once again, my name is Annie and I'm ready to take off this habit and try on some others for size.
Oh man, here goes. My name is Celeste and I'm trying to give this online thing another chance. I've gone on a few dates with some of the guys I met here and not so good. The first guy was named Booter Scoot or something like that. Where do I start...the fact that he kept referring to me as cookie puss or that we had to call triple A cause he drunk drove his Rascal scooter into a pothole. Two weeks later I went out with this guy named Shane that was obsessed with evacuation and I'm not talking about emergency preparedness. And he wasn't talking about a game show when he said he wanted to see what was behind door number 2. Not a great pick up line! It might have been better than asshole Alan's though who commented that I look like "a prenup model". Ron invited me back to his place as we walked out of Applebee's and before I could decline, opened the back door to his 1985 class C RV in the parking lot. Is that supposed to be some kind of loophole? What is wrong with you guys?
And what is wrong with me that I am on here? Is there something I'm missing beside's lame one-liners? I must just be a glutton for punishment.