Yo, yo, yo I got a fat wrap here m'bout to drop. Forget your pansy ass vape god boyfriend, you need a real man that puff's tuff. You need a man that you can bring home to your mama and say proudly "This man rolls his OWN blunts." That's right, mom. I got white widow, white tiger, purple haze, orange kush, mango chutney, gray cookie dough, stinky sailor, raggity old man, train obliteration, international emergency, ticket to brown town, domestic terrorism and a bunch of other sh*t. Maybe you had a bf that had a good job or was good in that sack, BUT did you ever go out with a real man that could push mad clouds, I'm talkin' 3 foot smoke stacks!
Check it, check it...imagine you return home from work and you see me on the couch with my homies, we all got hoodies and there's a beautiful smokescape just filling the room. You can smell the stank and I'm like "Here baby girl" and I got a freshly rolled tight ass spliff. It literally only took me two seconds to roll that. I got the skillz, I'm tellin' you. But that's all I'm gonna tell you, you gotta read the book to find out the rest. Email me Spliffgenius95067.
You are a man that goes to the Women's march alone, you are gender liquid and see all animals as equal. You would skin a human if it meant just one animal would have a coat. You eat Pho for breakfast and between your cryptozoology course and your tree climbing class you spend your time on Whatsmydiagnosis.com. It says you worry too much. Let's go out and invent drinks for the bartenders to make: Captain's Hats, Booze Portals and Bloody T-shirts might be a few. You have your own podcast all about board games. You look like Buddy Holly meets Michael Bluth meets Big Foot. Your beard is enough to keep a small infantry unit warm for a week. Preferred instruments: The Banjo, Ukulele, Microphone and Xylophone. You really know how to shred it on the Xylophone. Sometimes you wear one glove just to show people that you care, but also don't give AF. You are not afraid to wear a cross, ironically. You were raised by people that own chickens and goats and only eat organic. Does this sound like you?
Boot here, got a million things on my mind. First off, been gettin' some odd requests from the ladies. Times are achangin' and gone are the days when guys were the only ones takin' dips in the pervert pond. Used to swim laps myself, but with my re-injury I've been homeward bound eatin' humble pie and impotent ice cream. You know it's about as pleasurable as eatin' french fries with no salt. Anyway, one of these requests a lady wanted to lick my boot! Now I might be into some slow kisses, but straight up licks you may as well eat a bag of warts. Another one asked if she could put me in a bib and feed me soft peas. FYI, just cause I have chronic shin-juries doesn't mean I can't use my arms and eat all the crab legs my food stamps can afford.
Bout ready to merge into the datin' lane again. Been spendin' some time on my recent divorce and hiring an accountant to count my kids. Meanwhile, I'm flirtin' with Disaster (an out-of-work drag queen that goes to Christian Hell, one of the bars in my rotation) and finding odd jobs off Craigslist. If you want to schedule a date, I'll be avail mid-April it looks like and if you need a guy to haul dirt, spin your business sign, fix your computer or walk your dogs (I got a CNA license last time I was in Mexico too so adult diapers, no problem) I'm your guy.
Well here goes nothin'. My last ad brought in approximately zero men, two women (which I'm not into) and over 60 ads for cat hospitals and insurance. The insurance companies will not cover me due to the fact that I have an illegal amount of cats. For my zoning area I'm entitled to three house pets, meaning both dogs and cats, and I exceed that by 489. When the agent came over to interview me I tried to hide most of them in the two rooms, but the cats began to mew in unison and it was beyond humanly possible to mute the amplified Meow that was happening about every four seconds. I still have nightmares about it. Anyway, my therapist has told me not to bring up my cats to anyone so let's talk about you. What kinds of creatures do you like? If you saw someone without a home, hypothetically, would you be okay just to let them hobble around on one leg eating old tuna out of the garbage or would you take them in and wipe the old milk off their face, hold them at night and turn your whole bathroom into a pee area? I think that says a lot about your character. I realize I can't be overly picky and that my standards might be too high for what I've been looking for in a partner so if you answered "no" to that question, that doesn't disqualify you from coming over. Let's arrange a time to meet so I can go out and buy Febreeze in bulk at Costco, cover my couch with an industrial blanket and arrange a landscaping company to come by and pick up the bags of hair. Really excited to see the response! Yours truly!
My name is Shane, been on here multiple times. There seems to be a misunderstanding and it's weird because I originally came on here trying to get someone to take a dump on me. No, not the metaphorical one...not mistreat me, but the literal one...I mean two. I had a bad experience though involving a girl, a bowel movement and a large serving spoon. So then I clearly announced in my last ad that I am no longer taking any shit. Suddenly, I'm getting hit up left and right from all over the globe. I don't get you girls, do you just want what you can't have or are you all just full of shit? If you're full of shit, you're gonna need to find another guy to dump on...I'm not that guy.
What if the tables were turned, huh? You want guys aggressively trying to take a shit on you? It's kinda scary, honestly. One girl sent me an email and the subject line was a pair of lips and ten poop emoji's with google eyes. I got PTSD okay? (Poop triggered stress diagnosis). Another girl wrote me a response "Honey you're gonna need a shovel." See, this used to be innocent waste disposal with a sexy twist, now it's like I need a hazmat suit and OSHA training. It shouldn't be that hard to digest, but what you have is going to have to go to another specimen, I'm done with meeting random girls and letting them go to smear town on my landscape.
With that said, a little pee might be okay. IM me for chat...
Hi Boo's, my name is La Tish and I been crushin' it since hole 1 and I ain't talkin' bout golf honey. Last man I called boo had a boo'ze prolem and he'd show up to da pool like Freddie Krueger and shit. People be like yo man all went Friday the 13th at the baby shower girl, it's time to end that nightmare and move to a new street before ya got some real casualties yo. Did I mention I'm real? Yeah, 100%. Also, did I mention I KEEP it real? Yeah. I keep it so real that you can draw a marker on my face and it turns purple like a twenty dollar bill at the .99 cent store. The man of my dreams is not riding on his overdraft account with Coinstar, knowhati'msayin'? I'm lookin' for a tall stack of coins to take a dip in, maybe even swim laps. There's a lot more to know about me, I got lots of opinions and I'll give em to you. Please don't make me give you an opinion about your momma (and her controlling nature), your job at McD's or your old rattler you pick me up in. I'm lookin' for the Bill Gates of first dates so come on hustler, show me.
Why hello good men out there, grandma Donna here, or as my grand kids call me GD. I've been reading about these speed dating events and I don't think it's the right venue for me to explore a potential match. I need more time to get to know the men I'm dating within a comfortable pace which is how I thought up my next idea. When I was growing up we used to love to play tag. Kissing tag to be specific haha! I thought instead of speed dating why don't I put together a tag team so we can explore each other to the core. We can have fun intermingling while still being active and if I want to handle two guys at once, I don't have to worry about getting cornered by just one. In speed dating one person can dominate the whole 60 seconds, but when we have our tag team several men can take mounds of time at once, it's really a great way to get to know one another. I thought we could get together in a park or some other public arena and go to town with our tag team and maybe others will join and it will catch on as the next big dating thing.
That's my idear and now you're it! Reply to my message if you're interested in signing up! I can take up to twenty guys at this time...maybe more in the future!