My name is Mark and I just got out of a five year relationship. Can't wait to get into another one...so I can cheat again. Can't cheat if I'm single, can't cheat if I'm alone, the only way is if I find another loving sucker that I can commit to being non-commital with. Don't judge it's just my preference. I'm cheat-sexual. Maybe your homo queer or tranny fluid, I'm cheat-sexual. I'm like an emotional rapist engaging in a non-consentual menage-a-trois. I know, it sounds prrrretty romantic doesn't it?
Looking for the "apple of my eye" and "One and only" to cheat on. I promise with all my heart to go the extra mile to make you feel as if you are the only one for me. The good news is, the more I cheat, the more I lather it on. I will make you honestly feel as if things are too good to be true. And that feeling will be real so what else matters, we both get what we want.
I'm looking for a girl that has at least one blind eye, if not two.
God, I thought poop was bad. Listen, this might be the last time I post. Shane here. Remember me, the guy that decided to get daring and take a dook from a kook? Dessert is best served hot? Well, Almond Joy has nuts and so do mounds...that is thee truth. Yeah, I found out the hard way that although I may be the most interesting man in the world I don't want to spend my Saturday nights getting deus equi'd. So I switched to the traditional golden showers, seemed innocent enough. I got an overwhelming response. Get this, out of the thirty or so responses I got, picked a lady with a bladder the size of a large Camelback....felt like I was getting water boarded by ISIS. Aim was shit too, like a blind three legged dog trying to hit a fire hydrant and spraying the whole yard.
Maybe there's some guys that find a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, I found a pot of can't breath with a side of inner ear infection. Yeah, she pee'd in my ear too. Don't know what anyone thinks they're gonna get, piss is veeeeerrrryyyyy unpredictable, let me tell you. Anyway, to each his own, but my own is no secretions, projections or expulsions.
On that note, I am looking for a beautiful, conservative lady to take to dinner and have a good old fashion time. Christians please apply.
I'm thinkin' bout gettin' my prorities straight and goin legal with a name change either Scooter Boot or Scoot Boot. Feel free to weigh in on whatcha think might sound more sphisticated. Got a sports injury when I tore the tendon on my right foot and whereas most sports injuries involve some kind of sport, I was simply driving a front end loader...loaded. Next thing I know got my foot at a ninety degree angle on my friend Rottweiler "Dumps" Nelson's captain seat in the F10. Didn't have a cast so we stuck muh whole leg in a industrial size wrapping paper tube. Next day I was ridin' a Rascal Scooter AND had a big ole boot...tuh boot! Hence came muh name.
Even though I've had a serious of mishaps (can't seem to shake this darned thing, if it's not droppin' an 18 pack of keystones on muh toes, it's drivin' full force into an aluminum shed cause I fell asleep on the "drive" button) doesn't mean I can't be on the look out for love. I know puttin' myself out there is gonna jam up the network's, don't all respond at once, but I will get to each and every one of ya. My friend and attorney Don "Stingman" Miller said I could get a discount on divorce papers if I get just one more this year, he'll do it for free. If you know me, you know I'm always up for a dare. Nywayz, like I said take yer time, might be a minute, but I will respond, rain or shine, lame or blind, talk soon!
Some marriages have the arrangement where the mother works and the father stays at home. Well, I’m looking for a unique relationship with an even greater level of commitment. I’m hoping to be the worker, the one who takes on all the stress in return for your almost debilitating commitment. If you already have a disability that prevents you from easily getting around (or away) that’s even better. In my ideal relationship the man never leaves the bed, he spends his days watching back-to-back Simpsons episodes, yelling at the kids to “stop doing whatever you’re doing!” from the bed and when I get home there’s the sweet smell of sweat, bacon and poop permeating the air. A typical weekend might involve a few sightings of you in the living room with your Jersey shorts and bacon stained wife beater scratching the back of your neck and asking “So, whatcha got goin on today?” As I begin to tell you about my plans, mid-answer you interrupt and announce, “okay, well, I’m goin’ back to bed.” Since you own fifty pairs of Jersey shorts and somehow manage to wear them all in a weeks time there’s always bonus work for me to do when I get home. On the plus side I throw out all the ones with poop smears or holes in the crotch and it cuts down the workload SIGNIFICANTLY. Occasionally, I’ll notice you are in the bathroom because it sounds like someone is watching Gladiator or that movie 300. Your humor will primarily revolve around bathroom humor, for instance downing a can of beans while in bed than farting and asking “Too soon?” As far as our sex life there’s nothing hotter than doing it doggie style and realizing your hand is on a smooshed mac and cheese sandwich or feeling the sharpness of Pringles underneath your kneecap. I know it’s hard to imagine this kind of arrangement since it’s pretty cutting edge…just think Charlie and the Chocolate factory Uncle Joe on tranquilizers.
It’s a tall order and in this society where it’s customary for men to work and women to stay at home, to have a woman work and have a man do jack shit and be generally disgusting is pushing the norms. I basically would like to be that chick that every guy wants. I tried to do that with makeup, by being super skinny and eventually resorting to getting an education. Finally, I’ve discovered how to be what every man wants and in turn I get what I want, crippling loyalty.
I'm a bi-sexual man in my late 60's, an eccentric, who is looking for a man or a woman that wants to get back to some vintage kinks. Remember when we used to play a good game of corn horn? Or dingle dongle with a side of butt chips...that was great fun! What about old man dingle stix, raw potato breath or honeycomb butt shooters. I know, compared to what the kids are doing now this is all very mild, but it used to work for us so why wouldn't it now? Even just for nostalgia sake.
Some of the new positions are straight up intimidating: The Mannheimen Steamroller, Cleveland dumps, Screwnicorn's, Duck Dy-Nasty's. I don't even have the agility or strength to perform some of these. Last time I had an orgy, I had to hold a diagram I'd printed from the net and even then...hours later...couldn't figure it out and we all ended up watching old Jeopardy reruns and eating Pizza rolls.
If you are interested in playing antique roadshow, sex position edition, give me a ring. Oh, yeah, don't have landlines anymore...send me a text.
My name is Tammy and I'm proud to say that I am returning to the dating pool after a long hiatus. Sixteen years ago I was struggling with my identity. I bought a Geo Tracker, cut my hair short and quit my job so I could go across country with my friend Tina on tour with the Indigo Girls. I have to admit I did go to the mountains, I did look to the children and I definitely drank from the fountains. The one thing I did not do was the whole doctor thing. Anyway, things with Tina and I did not end well. I lost her at the Lillith Fair and somehow she teamed up with someone else after knowing them for fifteen minutes. After dealing with my PTSD from this, the doctors finally prescribed something that works: Tridixagain.
Now I don't want to sound like a commercial, but Tridixagain opened me up to a whole new world. I certainly was very closed up and really unable to be penetrated by anyone. I didn't even know what I was searching for, I just needed someone to throw me a bone so I could jump on it and simply devour every inch. Tridixagain gave me the nudge I needed to allow myself to be vulnerable and accept packages the universe was sending me that I had been ignoring for years. I'm putting myself out there because I believe I'm ready for a deep relationship. The deeper the better, really. Please contact me if you think you are also capable of extending yourself into this new territory. Tamile
Hi, my name is literally Gary. I'm not sure why I said literally, now it seems like I'm lying. Uh, this is not going how I planned already, but okay. I'm not a fast cars kinda guy if that tells you something. I actually own a Corvette, but I always hover around five below the speed limit. For my job, I process the credit card approvals for merchant accounts. At night I like to have exactly one Coors light and then watch The Voice followed by the news. There are a lot of things I do for fun. I've gone skydiving before, with my co-workers, but I went to hand out sandwiches. I'm sorry, but there's no way would I be caught dead jumping out that door of the plane. I've gone to Disney World twice, but I mostly just walked around enjoying the architecture. My dad worked for NASA, but he died when I was just two years old. Some of my hobbies include keeping an eye on the neighbors dog (I don't get paid or anything, I just look at him through my window), reading literature ("Literature" is the name of a magazine I'm subscribed to that is just an index of old books) and re-potting already potted plants hence the re-potting part so they can go potty in the pots and not in my empty plots out in the yard. It sounds more complicated than it is. Yes, so it never gets real lonely, with so much to do. I am fairly busy, but figured I might be able to put a little time aside to find that special person that would like to join the ride. This roller coaster goes in a circle for about a half hour and then drops you off feeling like you should get paid for your participation. Yes, it does, so what do you say...ticket for one?
So I'm 33 and by now I KNOW I have a type. Mama's boys. Single mom's specifically OR with multiple in and out step dad's. TB mama's boys need apply! The more helpless you are, the better! I mean I need a man that makes me feel seriously useful. You might have some things I'm lacking, like the extreme undeserved self-esteemed you garnered from your adoring mother...mine always made me work for approval and even then I'm still not good enough. Fortunately for you this has made me quite the provider.
You might play an instrument (the guitar most likely) and do an amazing song and dance, but I will be the one that will keep you from starving because you just didn't think to eat.
You're lucky that your mother filled you up with a full tank of love. Can I leech or I mean beseech you to share some of that? I see you and I just want to own you or I mean, own that kind of confidence. Perhaps if you become dependent on me, like you were on your mother...you'll never leave?
If you don't know quite how to respond, just email me and I'll help you.