Hello ladies (not gentlemen, don't swing that way guys) I hope your V day was good. I waited until after it was over to post. Doesn't make any sense to me to have to rush into something just because of a holiday we all know is bullshit. My name is Doug, nice to meet your acquaintance. I'm posting because I read these ads but haven't found anyone that sounds like a match for me. I'm a Netflix and chill guy, don't like going out a lot. Would prefer just an Uber Eats and a movie over the bar or a party. I'm drug free....a little weed is okay. I wish I could say I'm disease free, but there are a few things worth noting.
Last summer I had a weird smell and so I was checked out by a doctor....nothing. The smell continued to get worse, I'd literally be in a room and people would comment how it smelled like a dead body that had been doused in urine and set on fire. It didn't feel like that. Finally, I found a doc that let me know I had ringworm of the crotch that was compounded by two other fungal infections. We were able to treat the ringworm, but one of the fungal infections moved to the interior and I was hospitalized for a secondary uterine infection. It's not a big deal, it's cleared up, the only remaining symptom is that sometimes I projectile pee a little bit at random. Everything was fine until I got tested before becoming a donor and they found I had a rare case of clamorrhea, a clamydia/gonorrhea hybrid had nestled itself in my tube and I was a carrier of another unknown std they ended up naming after me: Doug's disease.
Yeah, so other than that, I have a good job and am genitally kind to people, I mean generally. I'm interested in a simple girl, not a lot of drama. Please have your own life, opinions and things you like to do. If you have any questions, I'd be glad to answer them. Have a nice day!
Scooter Boot here'n ya know, I just went through another relationship heave ho (emphasis on the ho). She literally gave me the boot, the one I've had on my right leg for two years now cause of the Keystone Forklift incident of '18. I left the boot at her house on purpose, kind of a Cinderella move. Thought after I punched a hole in the wall and started calling all my ex wives I should make a grand gesture. But the next day "Ho'down McGee" threw the boot in the pool and when I tried to retrieve it, the handicap chair that was lowering me in got stuck and we had to call the fire department. Not exactly the glass slipper moment I pictured.
So now Scoot is back in the rascal with my head held high (with the help of a neck brace...the pool rescue got a little grizzly) and lookin' for love. Or just a discreet encounter. Or friends with benefits. Maybe more? My momma used to tell me "it must be cute being so lonely" and it really is. I need a lady that is a freak in the sheets and weak in the cheeks. A lady that can get done up and look pretty just as easily as she could get her hands dirty and manually crank a handicap pool aid. Lookin' forward to hearin' from ya, yours trully, Scoot.
I'm a guy, I'm pretty sure. I mean if having a dick is what constitutes being a guy then I have to retract that. Let me explain. I was part of a clinical research study that had poor chemical results. Yada yada yada the trial ended badly and now I'm what you might call genitally impaired. I can still thrust, but because of the gelatinus hose replacement, its kind of more of a wobble. Maybe a better metaphore might be like, you know those soft slinky things that swallow themselves and they are really hard to hold because the water goes to one end and it jumps out of your hands? It's like if you had a long one of those filled with tar. The difference is that if you push in, it stays and doesn't bounce back. Am I making any sense? I don't mean to make it sound like it's compact, it's foldable, moldable and wraps around to the back. Bicycles are out of the question. Luckily, I found an alteration lady in my neighborhood that has been able to sew me special pants that facilitate the full area and compensate for...lets just say any mishaps. Which happen quite frequently. I actually need to get going and change my strap. I like movies, social events, comedy shows...used to like horse back riding, but you know. Anyway, here's hoping you like my confidence and honesty.
Aw, one of my wittle kittles is snuggling up to my leg right now, I think it's a sign! My name is Krystal and I collect salt shakers, I love JC Penney, my favorite fast food is Jack n the Box and I have 483 cats (Lost a few in the last month to a sweeping case of feline AIDS. I stopped the orgy in the back yard by quarantining the known carriers into a storage POD. Then the POD accidentally got picked up so I'm in the middle of sorting out the mix up right now. So I guess, as of now, I have 412 cats!) If you were here in this moment, I guess I'd like to say to you, "Hurry, let's hang out quick before the cats get back!" Not because less cats makes it more pleasant, but because I know after being couped up without air, my cat "Charles Meownson" is out for blood. There's a reason he got that name!
Oh gosh, I'm laughing so hard as I'm typing this. Sometimes all you can do is laugh through the ups and downs of life. Oh well! I'd love to clear a spot off my kitchen counter and make you a delicious meal and clear off a spot on the couch so we can eat and chat. I'm thinking like tuna casserole. Casserole I'm pretty sure is French. Just so you know I never lick my cats on the face before I eat and I always wash my hands after I cook. Please like cats, it's not a deal breaker for me, but when you drive up to the house and cats are coming out of the woodwork like a big city in the Walking Dead you might be a little uncomfortable.
Hope to hear from you soon xoxoxox Krystal
Hello dears, grandma Donna here. Or you know just Donna to you, I'm not your grandma, hopefully. Been on a couple dates and I find it hard to know what to say. Back in the day we didn't have to have a personality we were on the grab system. If you wanted someone you had to grab em first and whoever did that got to keep em. Dibs weren't worth a horse nickel, you had to grab em and throw em into a moving truck and then hop on the back and latch on good. My first husband I latched so hard they had to pry him out of my hands to put him in the ground. That's how it was.
Nowadays, people can't just grab'em with all the hashtag me too stuff. I make hash browns, so I don't know about all that hashtag stuff. Anyhoo, I would like to meet up with a cunning linguist to teach me the tongue of modern man. I don't give a lick if you're not an expert, just be willing! I don't want to be going on dates, stiff as a board like I'm not enjoing myself. Maybe we could do a little practice. If you are easy on the eyes and consider yourself a cunning linguist, teach me the trade, I will return the favor with some hot muffins right out of the oven!
Are you looking for your counterpart? Do you believe there is a girl out there that just revels in her feet being slathered and rubbed against your face, chest and balls? Do you think there is even one woman that fantasizes, in general, about her appendages being gazed upon as some sort of bonus set of sex organs? A girl who would love nothing more than her worst body part being featured in photographs that you just collect and keep in a drawer with porceline china masks and used underwear you bought online? You've come to the right place....
I just love the feeling that my feet are more important than my face, my values or my successes. I love feeling like no matter what I do, nothing is a deal breaker short of me going barefoot in the backyard. I love the feeling of weird lotions, chiffon and pageant sashes being draped dantily and caressed on my lower digits. Nothing beats knowing that there is a person out there silently undressing my feet every five minutes in their innermost fantasies.
If that person is you, please email me. Write "I'm biologically out of wack and my DNA has made me a sexual mutant" in the subject line.
Hey buddy. How you doin? Oh, you're here cause you had a split from your girl and you think your tactics are gonna work with the next one? Oh, okay. Rookie move yo. Let me let you in on a little secret...you suck. Your dream is that there's a girl out there that is gonna be as low maintenance as your Xbox? You can turn it on and off as you please. You can leave for awhile, come right back and pick up where you left off. It doesn't shout when you neglect it. It doesn't ask you for anything, but gives you exactly what you want when you want it. I'm a girl, not an Xbox, just like your a guy and not a pocketbook....right? Wrong!
Just like you want that low maintenance girl...I want that provider guy. Don't ask if I need help...shell it over! Obvs I'm in need of new clothes, like all of the time! See the lack of tea cup chihuahua's I have? Pay for my meals, all of them. I don't mean just pay for every meal, I mean take me out for. every. meal. What is so hard to understand about my expectation that you are going to pay my bills: My car. My phone. My house. Don't you know if you did that I'd give you the world?
You want that low maintenance girl...she doesn't exist.
I want that provider guy...neither does he.
So what you say we just both pretend this personal ad never happened and we both keep walking.
I'm just like every other girl out there. I keep getting seduced by guitar players and baristas! Why can't I escape the snake charm, snake oil tactics of these men? Is it the way guitar players use their fingers? Is it the unabashed confidence they posess to stand in front of a large audience? Is it the smell of the coffee and an association of arousal? WTF is it?!
This is how it usually happens. I get asked out by a really nice guy, a normal guy. Things are going well albeit a little BORING as in he's not a seriously seasoned snake and then whoooop in walks sultry guitar player charismatic barista guy and I'm done. Sweeps me off my feet with the hypnotic bean brewing tunes a la charisma du jour and nice guy splits. Months later (if that) I get abandonment issues galore cause snake guy has his fan base to attend to and can't give me his full undivided attention. We have a messy break up. He stage dives into a literal pool of pussy and I'm left a slobbery mess of runny self-esteem watching seasons 1-7 of the Office. Cause 8 and 9 just suck!
I'm really telling it how it is. Snake guy is like seasons of the Office 8-9. You'll wish you never went there. They will leave you feeling like you made a huge mistake. I'm sure you'll make the same mistake like I did...you know why? The NUMBER ONE reason these guys are so attractive...every girl wants them. They have access to us and we give them the attention and they EXCUDE it. Boycott coffee boy girls! Let's take our power back.
Guess what Santa brought me this year? If you guessed the new Columbia jacket that I wanted than you are wrong. The Santa I saw brought me a dick in a box! Yup, I approached a Santa crossing the street to tease him about kissing my mom under the mistletoe, just razz him a bit and he said he had a special gift for me. Then there it was, the full package, totally unwrapped and chillin in the box. I guess I'm on the naughty list? WTF Santa? That's great you all got the gifts you asked for, old Kris Dingle paid me a vist and I guess all the Columbia jackets were gone, but I sure did get fleeced.
I wish that was the end of my list fulfillment, but no. My grandma stuffed our turkey with hate. I swear she orders that stuff by in bulk and uses it up every holiday. I ended up at the bar the next day, 9 am. Looking out the window I saw two baby hands wave at me out of a Toyota 4 runner and waved back. Upon a closer look it was just two reindeer antlers. Burned my finger on the "OPEN" sign when I did it. That's why it's probably best to drink with others, keep you out of trouble.
Anyway, Merry not-Christmas. 364 holidays better than that one.
A sugar daddy provides a girl with whatever she wants. An insulin daddy gives a girl what she needs. Sugar makes the blood glucose levels spike, but insulin just regulates. I don't need fancy perfumes, I don't need a walk-in full of clothes, I need my rent paid and my school loans covered. I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a serious financial condition and need a leg up before I lose a foot. Please help me before I go into complete financial shock. I don't need the complications of overindulgance, cancer of the pocketbook and hypoglycemia of the soul, I need a life saving injection of good will. Something that will keep me afloat. If this is you that can help me, please write Insulin daddy on the subject line.