And I'm looking to take a dip in the lady pond ifyaknowhati'msayin'. I'm a straight up alcoholizzic. I like my ladies like I like my drinks...wet. Aw g'yeah. An ideal date with me would be like this, check it...I pick you up in my lyft car so I can charge back the free ride and earn twenty five bucks so yours truly can take you out for a little food quickie. I'm thinking drive-thru cocktails at my friend Bart's house with a couple taco's from the taco stand by the Shell. I'm a ro-manic what can I say. We take our bite to eat and stand in line at Quatro's the hottest club in town and it's ladies night! That means you get the treatment. Me, a drink, a straw and a cup. I'll take you out to the dance floor looking like I'm your middle age manager at Spencer's gifts training you on what's where and dropping obvious one-liners like "You must be sugar cause you're damn fine!" I just came up with that off the top of my head. Yeah. Oh, and I hope you like Marshmellow cause I'll be bumpin' that fool alllllllll night in my Lyft Mazda with the undercarriage black lights. Those black lights leave nothin' to the imagination. After the club I plan on taking you over to Bart's where I can show you his condom collection. It could be yours if you play your cards right. Visa and Mastercard accepted.
When a man asks if I want to be friends with benefits I assume he is referring to, of course, being my friend, but also providing the added benefit of standing idly by as my trust issues boil over. I assume he is talking about being friends i.e. joking around, going out for coffee to discuss current events, leaving each other funny Facebook memes, with the added benefit of always being in proximity of me as I go on masochistic rampages calling him every name in the book after which I dump him only to call him crying apologetically a half hour later. Wouldn't it be nice if we could both be friends, but rely on each other to fulfill the deep void left inside by our abusive childhoods by you displaying unconditional love and validation without any strings attached? Great! I am certainly interested in a friends with benefits arrangement, but if you think for one second I'd just be giving it away to anyone then you are a real bastard. Please don't demean me like that or it might just be better to part ways. Let's start out with the benefits and see where it goes from there!
My name is Meredith and I'm bi-polar. I know what you are thinking, you twisted people, but I twisted it back on you; It's not that I don't think I'd be a great lay...I wouldn't want to be inside the hamster wheel I wake up to. I get to wake up to what I call "The Committee". The Committee decides if it's going to be a great day or a sucky day. A conversation in my head might go like this..."Today is going to be a big fail. No, don't say that, you know you get to choose how you perceive things. Oh, shut up, that's just a conspiracy made up by the weed industry. What?! That's ridiculous, there's no weed industry. Maybe you should try some weed...a lot of people say it helps with this exact kind of mental tug-of-war. I'm fine, I just need to get out of my head and do something. But what if something bad happens. It won't if I think happy thoughts. You aren't Peter Pan, what kind of shit is that?" And so on... It seems like every choice is an epic battle between hyper vigilance and self-doubt.
However, I'm a blast when I'm not not a blast. I might make someone who is very lonely and bored actually interested and not-bored. I can't promise it's going to be worth it. But then again, it might be the best choice you ever made. Being inside me is probably pretty good as long as your not actually inside of me, if that makes sense.
My name is Pierre...not really, it's Pete, but I'd like to be the Pierre-type for just a day. I'm that hopeless romantic hard exterior, but softy inside that watches too many Movies like 500 Days of Summer, Valentine's Day and Pretty Woman. I'm looking for a long term relationship that starts with a whirlwind. Can we meet at a museum and make loud comments about the "Artist Intentions" and argue about whether it is a Gouache lithograph or an egg tempura wood cut? Then afterward photo bomb people outside by re-creating the "Soldiers Kiss"? You: The girl that can fish off a pier and get dirty or carry on a smart conversation with the Embassy. I'm not sure what the Embassy is, but isn't it cute when guys overgeneralize and are slightly incompetent? Me: I'm sick of being just Pete, the handsome, muscular fix-it guy and I'd like to be the sensitive lover-type I have inside, can you help me? Will you be my Zooey Deschanel manic pixie dream girl or my nerd girl turned class?
If you are a dude online looking for dates, please feel free to cut and paste this with your desired name and real name substitute. Ladies love this shit! I had my neighbor write it for me since my ad about BMX'ing and boobies wasn't getting any responses. Now they are flooding in! Works more efficiently than penis pills guys!
Are you having a mortgage crisis on your property? Has your personal stock gone down cause you bought land next to a gold digger or a pill popper? All that emotional baggage you are carrying from past relationships making you look like a broke down fixer upper? Maybe it was your enabling mother that led you to shopping at Forever 21 and now you're 50, maybe it was your nagging wife that wouldn't have sex with you and now you're a cheater. All's you need to do now is call Fanny May! I look for bad boys, fixer uppers and total foreclosures. I'll seduce you into thinking I'm what you want and then I'll work you to the point where you'll be a perfect catch, the only catch is that you'll despise me. Just like an old house or a Miley Cyrus song I'll come in like a wrecking ball. I'll point at your job and say "no!" I'll point at your stuff and say "hell no!" I'll point at your friends and say "You're not gonna be worth shit if you keep these guys around". Somebody has to do it. I can't help it, just like the government I have major control issues. Control is love so give me what I want and the next lady you date will thank me for it.
Heya Weebler's...not quite sure what the Weebly means, but said here that I might get a lady friend from postin' bout myself. Name's Billy Bob, people call me Scooter Boot cause about ten years back I broke my heel gettin' off my horse. Around that time I had to have one of them big boots to cushion my leg, also had to be on a rascal scooter for basic things like pickin' up groceries and roundin' up the dogs. Got drunk on Keystone one night and my buddy's started in on the boot callin' me all sorts a catchy names like "The Crippled Jack" and "Bobby Booter" and then "Scooter Boot". That one just stuck. Plus I rigged my scooter into a front end loader for small jobs like plowin' snow and movin' little mounds of dirt. During the winter time my neighbors look out and say "Look there, that's scooter boot, the crazy snow hack on his rascal plow" so you know I got kinda a legacy now. I'd like to find a nice lady to carry that legacy one day. Imagine your name here Mrs. _____________ and then Scooter Boot Bilson. Has a ring to it, don't it? If you wanna know the intimate details bout me, while back I left an ad talkin' bout some of my personal details. Here's hopin' to hear from ya soon. Sincarely, yours truly, S.B.