Guess what Santa brought me this year? If you guessed the new Columbia jacket that I wanted than you are wrong. The Santa I saw brought me a dick in a box! Yup, I approached a Santa crossing the street to tease him about kissing my mom under the mistletoe, just razz him a bit and he said he had a special gift for me. Then there it was, the full package, totally unwrapped and chillin in the box. I guess I'm on the naughty list? WTF Santa? That's great you all got the gifts you asked for, old Kris Dingle paid me a vist and I guess all the Columbia jackets were gone, but I sure did get fleeced.
I wish that was the end of my list fulfillment, but no. My grandma stuffed our turkey with hate. I swear she orders that stuff by in bulk and uses it up every holiday. I ended up at the bar the next day, 9 am. Looking out the window I saw two baby hands wave at me out of a Toyota 4 runner and waved back. Upon a closer look it was just two reindeer antlers. Burned my finger on the "OPEN" sign when I did it. That's why it's probably best to drink with others, keep you out of trouble.
Anyway, Merry not-Christmas. 364 holidays better than that one.